Blue Ballad

Quite
a time ago, I was drowned in anxiety and lost my way. Day by day, I
was bound with fear, didn’t know why, a vision of me bathing in
this pitch-black darkness called vengeance enveloped me. I was so
afraid, so desperate… after then I found a small note, a note
filled with my commitment. On the very first page of it, this I
found:

“I, Prawira, know that
I am sinful, not worthy in front of God, weak, and foolish. Yet, God
has shown me such love which I know that I don’t deserve.
Responding to God’s love in my life, today, I promise to give the
best for God. From this day on, may God treat me as His slave and
servant.”

As I
read it, guilt started to fill my heart. I decided to put that guilt
aside and go on. I flipped to another page, and so on, and so on,
reading all the content written on those. A page then stopped me from
going on. This page started with me quoting a verse from the Bible,
Isaiah 26: 3. Well, you can find for yourself what this verse is
about. Below, was a commitment on how I would like to have my life
led. So, this I wrote:

“Maybe a lot of people
would say that my mood, my ego are the things which decide in which
direction my life would take its step. Well, it might be partly true.
However, someday, I want people to recognize me as a person whose
life is led by God. A person who doesn’t live for himself alone,
but for his love toward God.”

I
could not hold myself any longer… tears started to drop… “What
was I doing all these time?” So I asked myself. Those commitments
were written on September of 2004… it has been more than three and
a half years… yet, what I did was only putting God into grief. I
mean, look at all the posts I have been posting until now. Do they,
in some way, glorify God? Some may be, but some others? No, they
don’t. Look at me! Every single word I have spoken, this cynical
attitude I’ve been showing, me procrastinating all the time, do
they please God? Do they in anyway make my God smile? Unfortunately,
no… when I was lost, I thought I was bumping into a wall, a very
high wall that I could not continue forward any longer, but no… I
was not bumping into a wall. It was me, it was me who didn’t want
to move this feet any longer, it was me trying to hide under excuses
so that I could get away with it. After all of that, I came into a
realization… it was stupid. Every single day of me being arrogant
and thinking that I was way better than most people around me… it
was abnormally stupid… after all the warnings God gave to me, after
all the advices that came around, after all the supports trying to
push me forward… in the end it was me who forbade myself from
moving forward…

I
don’t know what will happen by the next morning I wake up, I don’t
know how many more commitments I will break, I don’t even know for
how many more times I will fall into a pit of darkness called
vengeance. Yet, I want to make another commitment. I want to please
God with this life, this fragile life… consequences might be
harder, but I just know, there’s no way I could live this life
until the very end without pleasing God, there’s no way I could
move forward without asking God to participate in this life.

Okay,
guys, are you guys with me? Ko Yudi, thanks for consoling me every
time, but it was actually sad, I was like a loser looking for
consolation. I don’t want to be such loser, the very next time I
come to you like a loser, please give me a hard slap. Ko Irwan,
hadn’t I had a chat with you that time, things would have turned
out different. Thanks for reminding me, thanks for pointing out my
mistakes one by one, thanks for kicking me out of my pretences. From
the very depth of my heart, I hope that you two would always pray for
my sake.

Well,
I think I also want to take this chance to say goodbye to my past.
Lilieanne, thanks for everything. It was rest-assuring to have such
friend as you, but then, it’s time for this bond to be broken. It’s
time to part. Not that we are disappearing from each other’s life.
Somewhere in my heart, there are you, living as a precious memory. I
hope you would treat me the same. With this, I wish you all the best.
Ci Linda, it was fun, it was an honour being your little brother.
Please allow me to take that role, even only by myself, until the end
as the very fact that to me, you are a respectable and loving sister,
won’t change. Wish you a blissful family.

Now, I
think that’s all. With this, I think I am able to say a proper
goodbye to my past… from this day on, it’s time for me to move
forward. Procrastinating, being anxious and restless, being that high
and mighty, saying stupid things, they are no more options to me. In
the end, God bless you… and me. 

-Prawira
Atmaja aka Kirros, along with his new life-

Well,
people, I just watched this wonderful movie called “The Warlords.”
This story takes us to the age in which war is still raging
throughout all China, when China is still separated into several
factions and kingdoms. During this chaotic situation, a general named
Pang Jing Yun, who just lost from a tragic war, happens to undergo a
fateful encounter with two bandit leaders namely Cao Er Hu and Jiang
Wu Yang. They join forces and after several successful raids, they
start to realize that they have to make a better way of living, and
that is by joining the army. During this opportunity, they also form
a bond as sworn brothers with Pang Jing Yun as the oldest brother,
Cao Er Hu comes the second, Jiang Wu Yang the youngest (Romance of
the Three Kingdoms, anyone?).

Basically,
Pang Jing Yun returns to his kingdom to ask for an opportunity to pay
for his mistake and lead a victorious war and… it is granted.
Shortly speaking, they go for the war and win it. During their second
war, they lay a heavy siege to a city named Su Zhou so relentlessly
that both forces have to fight against a more fearful and deathly
enemy named starvation. During that chaotic situation, Pang Jing Yun
and Jiang Wu Yang asks for provisions from his ally while Cao Er Hu
infiltrates Su Zhou and the enemies decide to surrender with a
promise from Cao Er Hu that they will be let go harmlessly and they
will be given provisions. Such a kind man, eh? Cao Er Hu? BUT! Pang
Jing Yun is not that kind of a person. He refuses to pass on
provisions, and he refuses to let the enemies go. Cao Er Hu is hit
from behind and bound to some enormous chain. As Pang Jing Yun
leaves, Jiang Wu Yang gives the command to shower enemies with
arrows. Arrows are released like a rain, an unthinkable rain is
happening, but a more saddening rain still follows… this one is
form by drips of tear and sheds of blood. Jiang Wu Yang starts to cry
as he gives another command to release the arrows. Cao Er Hu is
struggling heavily and hitting the ground as he listens to the people
who shout from pain and death. Bowmen are vomiting, they can’t
stand the view anymore, they start to cry, some close their eyes, and
the rest lose their power to shoot anymore arrow. Pang Jing Yun? He
is trembling, clenching his teeth, trying his best to push his grief
aside, but he just can’t. After all it is just too cruel.

I know
it is just a movie, well acted and script directed, but still… I
was at sorrow as I was brought to such a massacre. I remember when I
was learning about the history of the Three Kingdoms, I was always
amazed whenever a genius named Zhuge Liang set a plot to destroy his
enemies. I was always like, “Cool!” or “Wow!” But, after
seeing this movie –The Warlords-, I start to realize that war is
not that cool, no! War isn’t anything cool! It is just too cruel,
it is just too sad. I start to ask myself, is this war? Is this
reality? Is this life? Is war, is reality, is life this harsh and
sad? When I set my eyes on the conflict between Iraq and USA, I
wonder if that war is also that sad. Then I set my eyes on the
developing conflict between Tibet and China, will they end up in the
same path of sadness and grief? And when I set my eyes on every
single small conflict around me… it is indeed heartrending…
conflict will never bring anything good after all. It will only leave
a scar in people’s heart.

I am
no one special or great, but I grieve for this world, for all the
conflicts it has… I am just hoping that someday, people will start
to learn, a path of peace and soothe is not war, is not riches
either, but instead, it is bond… a bond that we make with our
family, friends, spouses, and a lot others.

In the
end, I urge you to watch this wonderful movie, this inspiring movie…
The Warlords. Starred by Jet Li, Kaneshiro Takeshi, and Andy Lau.
Having these three veteran actors, this movie won’t at all be a let
down, believe me!

That’s
all, have a nice time watching, learn from it, and ask for blessing
from God. Dry up…

Do you
guys read the topic above? What is this about then? GRATITUDE? Yeah,
you got it right. Heh? No, no, no… I am conscious, totally
conscious. Now, why should I discuss about gratitude when the topic
itself is about high fever? Well, I am currently having a very high
fever. Believe me, this fever is harsh. Head is heavy, body is
burning, limbs are freezing, feel like vomiting, difficult to move
this body, haven’t eaten properly (even if I eat, those foods just
seem tasteless), breath stinks, somehow can’t get proper sleep, and
stuff. Then, what do these all have to do with gratitude? Now,
everything started last Monday, when I was having a class with native
Japanese person (a bijin I should say ^^). She told me how
during winter, homeless people in Japan will usually have their body
frozen. Blood just can’t reach all of the vessels in their body due
to the extreme temperature. What will happen next? Next, their
fingers, ears, or nose will get rotten. After that, those parts will
crumble like snow.

I want
to compare myself a little bit with those homeless people. My illness
is indeed harsh. Unending rain just worsen the situation. However, it
is a very factual fact that I am still more fortunate compared to
those. I am not frozen to death. I still have my fingers, ears, nose,
and whatsoever. Shortly speaking, being born in Indonesia, leading
this kind isn’t bad at all. There are a lot more things that I can
be grateful of, aren’t they? Now, how many of you guys wish that
you guys were born in some other countries, instead of Indonesia? You
know what guys? You guys are actually fortunate to be born in
Indonesia. I have a lot of friends who have been abroad, and most of
them told me that Indonesia is simply the best country in the world.
In short, guys, be grateful for being who you are.

Then,
let’s talk about a higher level of gratitude. Let’s first try
this question, what should you do if you take a look around and find
yourself being, the most unfortunate one? Could you then be grateful?
Must be very difficult, eh? That’s why, we need to learn not to
depend our gratitude on someone’s situation. The highest level of
gratitude talks about God and you. Just forget about everything else,
just stop thinking about everybody else, just look at yourself, and
God. Having faith that God’s providence will suffice is what brings
you to that level of gratitude.

Now, I
might be a very small part of this world. Some people might think
that a sole Wira won’t just change anything. Well, yes, I am indeed
very small compared to this world. Right now, this very second, I can
hear the plane is flying high above the sky. Some Gita Gutawa’s
lover here (read: my neighbour) is still happily singing her song.
That shows enough how small I am compared to this world, but I don’t
want to end up bringing no change in this world. In fact, I want to
give this world, this vast and enormous world, an influence. I want
you guys to have faith in everything I write here. I want us to learn
together, to learn how to have that highest level of gratitude. Naïve
enough, but who cares? I’m a dreamer though ^^ dry up here, GBU
folks!

“My salad days, when I was green in judgement…” -William Shakespeare-

There was time when we could be irresponsible. There was time when we were selfish and ignorant. There was time when we foolishly chased for stupid ideals. There was time when we were blinded by things which were visible to our eyes. There was time when we carelessly picked the wrong decision. There was time when we easily misunderstood things. Yeah… there was indeed a time when we were that green and immature.

I have spent more or less 23 years on this earth, under this very blue sky. Those 23 years were miraculous to me. So many fateful encounters occurred. So many wonderful experiences took place. God, family, friends, music, and stuff, they have coloured my life magnificently. If I unfurl my life, I can see a lot of colours. Some are bright, some are gloomy, yet they enrich my life beautifully. The every single bit of happiness I’ve collected up to today, all the wrong that I’ve done, they all have led me to this new path, and as I move my life along, I can see that I’m no more alone.

Youth is indeed wonderful. All the coincidences, all the phenomena, and all the people in it, everything… they can mean more than something. I just know things can’t stay this way forever and that is why, I want to cherish every single moment I can grasp while hoping that maturity will come along as I go on…

Man, what’s happening with me lately? Being this blue without even knowing what’s really happening, eh? Dude, I love this stupid life…

Note: salad days means the period of a person’s life when he or she is young, innocent, naïve, and inexperienced.

“If you close your eyes and think about the world, what do you see?”

Lenalee, a character from a Japanese animated series, namely D.Gray-man, asks this question. Then, she starts on babbling on how she can only see her friends’ face and how she thinks that her friends are her only world for her. She doesn’t care about the “real world” at all. All she really cares about are her friends, which at the same time, are her world. This question bugs me a bit. I mean, in a certain way, she is correct. Think about this vast world, is this world really the world for us?

No one can deny that we, humans, in some way create our own world in which we can live in.

Some people create a huge enormous wall called riches to be their world. Simultaneously, that world limits them from being in the harsh world called poverty. Some other people who are courting design a very small world in which only they and their partners can coexist inside. Well, we might have some others creating and designing their own world. However, the big question here is, what’s happening to those people and their world?

Now, whether we like it or not, people can just live and fight for their own world. Honestly, global warming issues are spreading like fire nowadays, but why don’t people care? Because, this world simply isn’t their world. They have their own. People who have riches as their world won’t care a single bit if this world crumbles as long as he can gather more riches. People who are courting won’t give a damn ‘bout this world as long as their partner is happy. Then, in what world are we really living in?

Well, let’s just forget ‘bout the previous talk. Let’s drop all those talks ‘bout global warming and people with their own world. Let’s just talk ‘bout me. Lately, I’ve been thinking, what is the world to me? If I close my eyes and think about the world, what will I see? This question seems very hard to answer. Some people might know that I am a music freak, but, is music really the world to me? Some other people always believe that I’m quite a flirtatious person toward some sweet girls, but, are sweet girls the world to me? Some others are just aware that friends and family are precious to me, but are they the world to me? I just don’t know. I mean, I can’t just imagine this world without music, sweet girls, friend, or family. However, if we think clearly, what is this “world” really is? I think the easiest answer might be “something most precious”. If we take this answer as our definition, thing might be easier. If I close my eyes and think about the world, what will I see? Honestly, for time being, I can say that people that are dear to me, they are my world. I think I can live without music (or maybe not ^^), and I can live without sweet girls (oh, really? –grin-), but without people who are dear to me, there is no way I can survive.

Yah, basically I just want to show my appreciation here. I’ve been through a lot and there’s n way I can make it here without friends and family. I’m glad I have these many friends, am glad having these many people to watch my back while I’m running pursuing my dreams. Those doubts and pride I used to have, I had thrown ‘em away since I met these people. Folks, thanks for being great friends and family. Let’s stay keen and cool, set your eyes on the future ahead, and let’s run together. I just know that we can make it together…

I
read this on the news some previous time ago. So, there was this
person in Berlin who worked as an employee in a certain bank. Then,
it seems like this person loved to play some Robin Hood role play and
therefore, he often transferred some money from rich person’s
account to the poor’s account. Basically, he already did that for
five years or so before he finally made a sudden confession on his
deed. Later, he used up his riches to pay for what he had done so
that the bank “ONLY” lost 640 thousand pounds (yeah, which is
actually not an ONLY, for me especially…). Finally, this person
ends up sentenced to some two-year imprisonment.

Whew!
Quite a deed, eh? I was in a great surprise when I first read it and
for some time I was like… amazed! I mean, come on! What kind of age
do you think you are living in? We’re living in an age in which
money has been a very great standard and the greatest value for
everyone. Therefore, I really didn’t expect that such person
existed. I was sorta keyed up when I read this. I mean, my family has
been brainwashing me with the idea of the equation in which being
successful is equal to getting a hell lot of money. And to your
disappointment, for me, such equation is just another bullshit made
up by blinded foolish people.

Now,
come on! Let’s get real here! Money can get you to some cozy place,
it can give you a bunch of pleasures, it can even lie into truth!
Tempting, isn’t it? With such power, there is no wonder if people
keep on aiming at fortune as their goal. People start to compete with
each other. When they find a dead end, they start to think of some
other way, some other “filthy” way, I mean. Then, after a short
while, they start to backstab each other. After such process, without
even realizing it, they lose the ability to trust others. Now, lemme
tell you something. This kind of stuff has done quite something for
us, and what is that? Dunno? Come on! You have to know! Well, I’ll
ask once again, WHAT THE DANG HECK IS THAT? The answer is that this
kind of situation has kept the world go “soaring”. Magnificent,
isn’t it? Thanks to this blindfolded-by-money people, we have the
crime rate soaring, then we have the broken family rate soaring. Oh,
have I mentioned about the rise in poverty? Now, don’t you deny
this. Some of you blind people might have even experienced this. Am I
rite? Hell, yeah!

Let us
then think for a while, who do you think are the happiest people in
the world? That all rich-but-miserable Princess Diana? Bullshit! The
extremely famous-but-ended-up-killing-himself Elvis Presley? There’s
another bullshit for you! Just for your information, without
discrediting all the rich people in the world, one of the happiest
people in the world might be Mother Teressa, one who devoted herself
to serve other people. Another might be Martin Luther who lived
holding his faith firm and taught it to others during his whole life.
Some others might be the people around you who work for you day and
night just to make sure that one day you will survive this society.

Happiness
is not the matter of being rich, being able to have power and all the
luxurious stuff in the world. Happiness is about having someone to
cherish and being able to do so. How? How can we achieve it? When you
have kindness and love in your heart, I’m sure you’ll be able to
do so. That’s all. Going for my fried rice. Catch ya another time!
GBU!

‘Holiday’s
blues’, that’s what Raras said about my condition right now - a
condition in which you are having a holiday in your hometown and find
it extremely difficult to leave it due to certain reasons… that’s
how we define it, holiday’s blues. 

Now, I
don’t like this. I mean, I have a dang lot of tasks waiting for me
ahead in Yogyakarta and I don’t think I can do ‘em well with this
kind of state. My heart is simply not in the state of working
everything out. I want to stay here longer… in Jakarta, there are
too many people I cannot leave here. It’s like… I still want to
be with ‘em, praying for ‘em while watching them developing
slowly. Dude, life is harsh… time is cunning… and above all,
being melancholic is sick! I don’t like this. I should actually
leave this city with some kind of satisfaction that I have done some
good deeds for my little brothers and sisters here, but no! There are
things I still want o say to ‘em, there are things I still want to
share to ‘em! And not being able to do so makes me kind of… yeah,
holiday’s blues.

Well,
I don’t want to be a crybaby here, meaning that whatever happens,
life should just go on, rite? I don’t want to make this en excuse
for later failure (doesn’t necessarily mean that I am expecting
failure here). No matter in what condition I am, my principals won’t
falter. I will perform all my tasks professionally and perfectly.
‘Til my death, I won’t go against my own words. Once I decide to
put my all into something, then there will be no more excuse left for
me. I have been a role model for some people this whole time and I
won’t let them see their role model going down like some nuts. The
perfectionist and professional me will remain the same forever. That
and that alone!

…
okay, some of you guys reading this post and willing to pray for me,
please do! As for now, I will need more and more support… will dry
up here! GBU!

-was written several hours before I left for Yogyakarta on the 4th of July-

Last week, I participated in a
TEENager retreat held by teenager fellowship of Methodist Imanuel (okay, I know
I’m not a teenager anymore, but was there anything wrong with my joining that
retreat? I don’t think so!) and… it was great… why? Now, dude, here we go
again!

Initially, we would get on the bus on seven or something, BUT due to some
misunderstanding, it appeared that the bus couldn’t come and whether we liked
it or not, we had to look for other buses which were available during that day
causing our schedule to be late for like two hours. To add the excitement, as
the buss was too full, I had to stand all my way from Jakarta to Puncak, which
was great… very very great… and soon as I arrived, I found myself put in a
room filled with bunch of naughty kids… whew, what excitement!

Okay, so basically, during the retreat, everything was okay, meaning that
everything was not too bad, but everything was not too good either… that’s
what I thought for the first two days. Even though those kids there were
naughty, they were actually quite obedient, and everything went smoothly…
games, sessions, discussions, everything… but I still didn’t find anyting
good. However, things were different on the third day. It was the last session
in which the preacher challenged us to take some commitments and as the priest
did so, I prayed that the Holy Spirit would knock on each person’s heart… and
you know, I was moved to tears… after my tears dried up, I opened my eyes and
saw a lot, and by a lot here I mean A LOT of teenagers moved forward to take
those commitments. I was speechless… I wanted to praise God for His mercy and
love, which is far beyond my comprehension, but I couldn’t! I was too happy
even to open my mouth… then everything just went hectic, hehe… 

The next day, during the testimonial time, a lot of teenagers testified and
at the end of that, some people were moved to tears, and among those people
was… Jackson (okay, dude! Forgive me for putting your name here without your
permission or consent, just let it be, okay? ^_^). Man, if I look far behind, way
back then when I wanted to attend my study in Yogyakarta, this Jackson boy made
a promise to me… that he would be a better man when I came back, and it
happened! He has come to know what the reason to cry is, which is good. Okay,
to shorten things, we (all the participants) went home and due to some circumstances,
once again I had to stand all my way from Puncak to Jakarta. Whew! What a
retreat! Full of fatique, and also bliss…  

You know what? Everything brings me to one big conclusion, that is… I
just love this place, the teenager fellowship of Methodist Imanuel. I was born
there (spiritually), I found my friends and community there, I met my most
special person there, and above all… I got to know my God there, and I can’t
deny the fact that I just love this
place too much. You know what? Those people there are like my lil’ bros and
sis’. I love ‘em, I’m glad my existence means something for ‘em. Out of all
happiness I’ve ever got, knowing Jesus might be the best, but the happiness of
seeing those teenagers knowing Jesus comes second.

Man… in the end… His love is so wonderful, and His grace is so
bountiful… let all glory be His! GBU guys! 

I’m in a very
romantic mood lately. You know, I just watched this Love Actually which is a very good one. I first watched this like…
three years ago. 

“Have you
watched Love Actually?” Once my
friend asked this to me.

 “Nah, I haven’t. Is it good?” So I replied.

“No way. It’s
rubbish. Just another dirty movie.”
 

Now, seriously,
if this Love Actually really WAS
rubbish, then the other

Hollywood

movies would
just be some despicable worthless existence… and I’m serious about this
statement.

So, what is it about?
Basically, this movie consists of several love stories. I love everything about
this movie. I love the theme song, I love the whole soundtracks, I love the
inspiring love stories, I love the way the people here convey their love, etc,
etc… 

Now, lemme tell
you about one of the stories. So, one of the characters here is Peter and he’s
going to get married to a gorgeous girl named Juliet (yeah, she’s gorgeous…
come on! It’s Keira Knightley I’m talkin’ about here!). Then, Peter asks Mark,
his best friend, to arrange his wedding party. So, then during the whole party,
Mark tapes Peter and Juliet on the cam… for his personal purpose of course.
Some time later, don’t know how long, Juliet calls Mark as she needs some help.
Her wedding video tape is disastrous so she asks whether she can borrow Mark’s.
Mark says that he’s not sure whether he has it or not. Then, Juliet suddenly
comes to Mark’s house. Mark tries to convince her that she won’t be able to
find the tape. To this Juliet replies that she thinks Mark never likes her
despite of the fact that Mark is her husband’s best friend. Juliet feels that
way as Mark has never been nice or friendly to Juliet and Mark never wants to
talk to Juliet. Juliet doesn’t like this and she hopes that they can be
friends. Mark then succumbs and lets Juliet comb through his house. And then,
Juliet finds the tape. She plays it and watches it with a great happiness. To
her surprise, the person taped there is only Juliet… it turns out that Mark
actually likes Juliet and that’s why Mark doesn’t want to talk a lot with
Juliet, you know… she is his best friend’s spouse… iiehh… self precaution, got
it? 

So, how are
things developing then? During a Christmas night, Mark comes to Juliet’s house.
Juliet opens the door and sees Mark carrying with him a tape and some writings
on several wide canvases. Peter then asks who it is and Mark immediately shows
Juliet the first canvas which says, “Say it’s carol singers.” And so Juliet
tells Peter. Mark then plays the tape pretending that there were some real
carol singers singing there and shows the rest canvases which conveys… okay,
lemme list it below, kay?

“with any luck,
by next year”

“I’ll be going
out with one of these girls”

-picture of some
sexy women-

“But for now let
me say,”

“without hope or
agenda”

“just because
it’s Christmas”

“(and at
Christmas you tell the truth)”

“to me , you’re
perfect”

“and my wasted
heart will love you”

“until you look
like this…”

-picture of some
super ugly female mummy-

“merry
Christmas” 

With that Mark
takes his stuff and leaves the house. After that, Juliet runs toward him and
gives him a kiss… on his lips (dude, a chick kissing her husband’s best friend?
Now, that’s something). After that, Juliet returns to her house and there Mark
is, walking alone in the dark night of Christmas Eve.  

Dude, isn’t it
nice? I mean, there aren’t many men in this world can be that sweet… yeah, I
know it’s script written, but isn’t it sweet? Then, after having enough with
that movie, I am now getting stuck with this nice song, I Love the Way You Love Me, Eric Clapton’s song sung again by
Boyzone… then I remember again how sweet love is. I remember the time I was
pushing my luck crushing on a very cute and gorgeous girl (come on… to me she
is way more gorgeous than Keira Knightley, Jennifer Aniston, Charlie Yeung,
Kelly Lin, Maki Goto, Gita Gutawa, and whosoever)… and yes, I was pushing my
luck back then. Then, several Christmases have past since then… and never once
I spoke the truth… and it’s stupid. Up to this day, I want to convey a lot of
things, convey how I enjoy every conversation I have with her… convey how her
smile means a lot to me… convey how the world seems nice when I’m thinkin’
about her… convey how I love her existence… convey how I really feel about her…
I want to convey my every single thought… I always want… 

The time has
slowly caught up, hasn’t it? I mean, I ‘m not a seventeen-year old boy anymore
and I don’t want to be another Mark… conveying love to some taken girl… nah,
that isn’t just me. It’s time to get my heart all ready… yeah, time to go all
out… or never… 

-out of all happenings that may take place in
this world, love might be the one closest to miracle-    

“What
does being a Christian mean?”

This
question once caught me in silence. It’s a very hard question
anyway. Meaning that most Christian may come up with various kinds of
bullshit to answer this question, yet they might never be able to
really set themselves as a role model to clearly explain, with their
life, what being a Christian means. Is this understood? Well, for
time being let’s just say that you don’t.

Now,
to explain thing, let’s just pretend that there’s this person
named… whatever, but let us go with Goh, a female who takes
accounting as her major study. So, this Goh person is a Christian and
goes to church everyday. She is doing great in her ministry. She
joins choir, she is a committee of the youth fellowship, and she is a
good Worship Leader. She participates in a lot of churches
activities. Basically, almost all the youth in the fellowship look up
to her. The question is, “is she a Christian?” The answer is:
“Might be!” We haven’t known before we look through her whole
life. Then, it turns out that Goh seldom reads bible, and even though
she prays everyday, she rarely has a silent moment with God. In
addition, she is never interested in reading Christian books. Someone
then asks her regarding this matter, “Goh, why don’t you read a
lot of Christian books? That will be a great additional knowledge in
order to help you manage your ministry.” To this, Goh answers,
“Sorry, but I am busy. You know, I have a lot of assignments and in
order to accomplish all those, I need to read a lot of accounting
books. Besides, I take part time job. I just don’t have the time.
After I finish my study, maybe I’ll find some time to read
Christian books”

Okay,
let’s go to another question then, “does Goh really understand
what it really means to be a Christian?” The answer is: No!!! She
doesn’t understand a single bit about this issue. She may say that,
“I know, being a Christian means serving God with your whole life,
giving your best to God, worshipping Him, knowing God better,
experiencing God, etc, etc…” But the heck thing is that, this Goh
doesn’t have the slightest clue of what she is saying. Say,
worshipping God, knowing God, experiencing God, what do they mean
actually? Let’s just start with worshipping God, what does this
mean? Does it mean you go to church every Sunday? Wrong! What about
knowing and experiencing God? Does it mean that you should sing some
praises and suddenly you feel some spiritual sensation inside?
There’s another wrong for you. Then, what the heck are them? And in
order to go to the basic, what the heck does being a Christian mean?

Let’s
scrutinize things one by one. We will start with worshipping God.
What does this mean? In order to understand this, we should look at
some verses in the Bible, and for this case, let’s take a look at
Romans 12:1-2

Romans
12:1 says, “Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s
mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing
to God-this is your spiritual act of worship.”

When
it comes to worship, Christian tends to stop at this verse. They
simply forget that they have the second verse which will help you in
fulfilling the first verse.

Romans
12:2 says, “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this
world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will
be able to test and approve what God’s will is-his good, pleasing
and perfect will.”

Well,
just do this slowly, okay? Notice the phrase, “in view of God’s
mercy.” This will mean that, we worship God because God has
showered His mercy on us. So, in what way do we worship God? You can
read it clearly there, by offering your bodies as living sacrifices.
So, what’s the meaning? Yeah, I know it doesn’t mean that you put
yourself on some altar and you get slaughtered and roasted. But,
what’s the meaning? Note the next phrase, “holy and pleasing to
God.” There it is! By preserving holiness, despite the fact that
you may still fall for temptation, and by living to His liking,
living to please God. 

Now we
know that worshipping God means living to please God. Then, here’s
the idea, you don’t live for yourself alone anymore, instead, you
live for God. In other words, you should think less of yourself and
think more of God. So, when you out yourself, your ego, your desire,
your pleasure, and whatsoever else above God, it will simply mean
that your worship has gone wrong.

Okay,
now you got the point. But, how can we achieve this? How can we
understand what kind of live that pleases God? Let’s see the next
verse. It says that by not following the pattern of this world, which
in this context world will mean sinners, and by transforming and
renewing your mind. Then, you will be able to test and approve what
God’s will is. The next question, how can you transform and renew
your mind if you don’t read Bible or any other Christian books?
Keep this in your mind!

Then,
we can discuss about knowing and experiencing God. So, how can you
know and experience something if you don’t have any relation with
that something? For example, how can you experience the taste of
pizza when you have never eaten pizza? Dude, for God’s sake, eat
that pizza! The same thing goes with God. You may know God, but do
you experience God? If “no” is your answer, then experience Him!
How? By eating him? Of course you don’t… God isn’t pizza,
instead, PRAY! Read the Bible! Have private moment with Him! You
know, God is a personal, meaning that you can communicate with Him.
And to add something to your knowledge, a personal is best
experienced by communicating. Then, give your best to communicate
with God. By praying, you are communicating yourself to God, by
reading Bible and having private moment with Him, He is communicating
Himself to you. The thing is that, a personal relationship with God
is needed. In other words, you don’t have a personal relationship
with Him, then you are no Christian. Got that? Go on!

So,
what does being a Christian mean? Well, at least we have two answers
for time being, which are worshipping God, and experiencing God.
Let’s add more. So, remember that literally, Christian means
“little Christ.” By little Christ, we can have two definitions,
which are:

1. A
tiny and smaller version of Jesus Christ

2.
Christ’s followers

So,
which one is the better definition? Well, we go for the second one.
By little Christ means that we are Christ’s followers, who aspire
to be just like Him. Then, how can we be this little Christ? By
setting Him as our role model, and by following His words.

Let’s
just make this quick. What did Christ actually want to do that he
descended to the world of humans? The answer is simple: to let the
world know that salvation lies in the Heavenly Father and to bring
sinners to salvation by giving His life crucified. Then, what should
we do as a Christian? It will be as simple, we should spread the
gospel. We should tell this world that salvation lies in our Heavenly
Father and we should bring sinners to God that they may be redeemed
of their sins. You don’t do this, then you aren’t any “little
Christ” which means that you aren’t even Christian. Is this all?
Nah, don’t forget that you have to follow His words. For time
being, keep this one.

Matthew
16:24 says, “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself
and take up his cross and follow me.”

And
dude, what does that mean again? Okay, here’s the deal, what you
should really do are:

1.
Denying yourself. Well, by this it means you should start to stop
fulfilling your ego. Your life isn’t only about your ego anymore.
Drop your ego, your life isn’t yours alone anymore. It is both
yours and God’s. Got it? Meaning that you will start to do the things
you might not like and you might drop the things you like the most.
Difficult? You bet!

2.
Taking your cross. Yes! Living for God is difficult. You are forced
to do things that you don’t like. You may encounter problems
because you’re a Christian. You may even suffer from this. But this
is your cross and God wants you to take it up… not alone though,
but He wants you to take it up with Him together. In short, you will
deal a lot with suffering, but that is what a Christian really means.
They suffer for God.

3.
Following Him. Yeah, He has wills and those wills are the ones to
obey. Trust Him and obey Him! That way you are doing well as a
Christian.

Are
those all? To your joy and excitement, nope! There are still some!

Matthew
22:37 says, “Love the Lord your God with all of your heart and
with all of your soul and with all of your mind.”

Matthew
22:39 says, “Love your neighbour as yourself.” 

Okay,
we are going crazy here. See? Love your God and love your fellow
humans.

Now,
we are getting close to the end. In short, being a Christian means:

1. You
spread gospel, the good news, to everyone.

2. You
worship your God.

3. You
have a good relationship with your God.

4. You
obey His words.

Easy,
aren’t they? Yeah…

So, is
there anything like being a Christian means you are active n your
church? Or like you participate in a lot of events and activities? Or
you look busy in church? Or you do these things and those things in
church? NO! You may be someone in church. You may do a lot of things.
You may be well recognized and stuff, but the thing is… if you
don’t get the point of being a Christian, then you’re a failure.

In
closing, let’s see something interesting.

Matthew
7:21-23 says, “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’
will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my
Father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord,
Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name we drive out
demons and perform many miracles?’ Then I will tell them plainly,
‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers.’”

You
see… you may do a lot of stuff, but Christianity isn’t about mere
activities. It is merely about doing our Heavenly Father’s will.
So, tell me, what does being a Christian mean? No, there is no need
for you to answer me. God might be the one who wants to know your
answer. Then, you can answer it with your life. Happy living then.
GBU!!!