A Whole New Life…
Quite
a time ago, I was drowned in anxiety and lost my way. Day by day, I
was bound with fear, didn’t know why, a vision of me bathing in
this pitch-black darkness called vengeance enveloped me. I was so
afraid, so desperate… after then I found a small note, a note
filled with my commitment. On the very first page of it, this I
found:
“I, Prawira, know that
I am sinful, not worthy in front of God, weak, and foolish. Yet, God
has shown me such love which I know that I don’t deserve.
Responding to God’s love in my life, today, I promise to give the
best for God. From this day on, may God treat me as His slave and
servant.”
As I
read it, guilt started to fill my heart. I decided to put that guilt
aside and go on. I flipped to another page, and so on, and so on,
reading all the content written on those. A page then stopped me from
going on. This page started with me quoting a verse from the Bible,
Isaiah 26: 3. Well, you can find for yourself what this verse is
about. Below, was a commitment on how I would like to have my life
led. So, this I wrote:
“Maybe a lot of people
would say that my mood, my ego are the things which decide in which
direction my life would take its step. Well, it might be partly true.
However, someday, I want people to recognize me as a person whose
life is led by God. A person who doesn’t live for himself alone,
but for his love toward God.”
I
could not hold myself any longer… tears started to drop… “What
was I doing all these time?” So I asked myself. Those commitments
were written on September of 2004… it has been more than three and
a half years… yet, what I did was only putting God into grief. I
mean, look at all the posts I have been posting until now. Do they,
in some way, glorify God? Some may be, but some others? No, they
don’t. Look at me! Every single word I have spoken, this cynical
attitude I’ve been showing, me procrastinating all the time, do
they please God? Do they in anyway make my God smile? Unfortunately,
no… when I was lost, I thought I was bumping into a wall, a very
high wall that I could not continue forward any longer, but no… I
was not bumping into a wall. It was me, it was me who didn’t want
to move this feet any longer, it was me trying to hide under excuses
so that I could get away with it. After all of that, I came into a
realization… it was stupid. Every single day of me being arrogant
and thinking that I was way better than most people around me… it
was abnormally stupid… after all the warnings God gave to me, after
all the advices that came around, after all the supports trying to
push me forward… in the end it was me who forbade myself from
moving forward…
I
don’t know what will happen by the next morning I wake up, I don’t
know how many more commitments I will break, I don’t even know for
how many more times I will fall into a pit of darkness called
vengeance. Yet, I want to make another commitment. I want to please
God with this life, this fragile life… consequences might be
harder, but I just know, there’s no way I could live this life
until the very end without pleasing God, there’s no way I could
move forward without asking God to participate in this life.
Okay,
guys, are you guys with me? Ko Yudi, thanks for consoling me every
time, but it was actually sad, I was like a loser looking for
consolation. I don’t want to be such loser, the very next time I
come to you like a loser, please give me a hard slap. Ko Irwan,
hadn’t I had a chat with you that time, things would have turned
out different. Thanks for reminding me, thanks for pointing out my
mistakes one by one, thanks for kicking me out of my pretences. From
the very depth of my heart, I hope that you two would always pray for
my sake.
Well,
I think I also want to take this chance to say goodbye to my past.
Lilieanne, thanks for everything. It was rest-assuring to have such
friend as you, but then, it’s time for this bond to be broken. It’s
time to part. Not that we are disappearing from each other’s life.
Somewhere in my heart, there are you, living as a precious memory. I
hope you would treat me the same. With this, I wish you all the best.
Ci Linda, it was fun, it was an honour being your little brother.
Please allow me to take that role, even only by myself, until the end
as the very fact that to me, you are a respectable and loving sister,
won’t change. Wish you a blissful family.
Now, I
think that’s all. With this, I think I am able to say a proper
goodbye to my past… from this day on, it’s time for me to move
forward. Procrastinating, being anxious and restless, being that high
and mighty, saying stupid things, they are no more options to me. In
the end, God bless you… and me.
-Prawira
Atmaja aka Kirros, along with his new life-
