Love is…
Several
months ago, I watched this movie called ‘Perhaps Love.’ It was a
dang heart-rending one. Since that day, I had been searching for its
soundtracks during the past several months, and you know what? A
while ago, I found ‘em on a certain store. This very moment, I am
listening to them and man… this heart really wouldn’t ask for
more. For time being, they’re sufficient to cure this apprehensive
heart.
So…
actually I don’t have any particular intention in typing this down.
I mean, I even don’t really know what I should write. Well, some
people say that a good way to start writing is by starting writing,
hehe… gimme a break, please… so, let’s just cope with this and
see where it will lead, kay? Saa… soro soro ikuyo (meaning, here we
go!)
To
start with, if I am not mistaken, several days ago, it was the
Valentine day and everyone was crazy about buying, asking, and giving
chocs altogether. Quite a scene, to be honest :p I myself, bought
some dark chocs, to give it away and to enjoy it with some of my
crazy buddies. The one that I gave away was received by my friend,
which was, eventually, said to be very bitter. Hah! It’s Wira
anyway, he loves bitter stuff so much that he, unconsciously, always
prefer the bitter one when it comes to making choices. But the thing
is, what was dang coming over me? Meaning, I usually don’t give
away chocs, but I gave one anyway… have I lost a hold of my
mountain-like firm principal? Or have I been that lonely that I need
someone to care for? … hey, hey… don’t get the wrong idea! I
haven’t fallen in love with any particular girl, yeah… I haven’t
and I won’t for some time ahead, been too tired to think about
love. Yeah, almost busted my brain out of my head cos’ of such
stuff. Bah…
Now,
what has been happening to me actually? What has been troubling my
heart? I mean, these few days, I have been spacing a lot and I think
I will space even more. I just want to know what really lies behind
this troubled heart. Is it disappointment? Or is it hopelessness? Or…
dunno, just name any adjective-derived noun that you think will fit
my situation. Yea… frankly speaking, I don’t think my trouble can
be described in my word, remembering that complexity has been a very
sticky part of mine. Heh… complexity it is…
The
fast is, what really happens is that things just haven’t gone
according my expectation. Nyam… I got this sickening pressure from
my dad. He pressured me to taking computer major, inheriting his
business, and living in Jakarta, in which, I can’t find any
satisfaction, peace, and joy IN ANY! Yeah, note that! IN ANY! And how
the heck could he expect me to find such in ALL? Well, at least, we
can describe this situation in one word, DAYDREAMING.
The
pressure then goes on. There is this somebody I have been loving ‘til
to this very second. However, the thing is that, she seems to, day by
day, moves away from my life slowly. Geh… how should I put this one
in words? Nah… won’t be able to, I’ll put it in your
imagination ‘stead. So, imagine you had someone you love, but you
just didn’t see a future with her together. Iiehh… how would you
feel? Yes, that very feeling is what I am feeling right now. Well, I
am starting to know what I am going to write ahead. According to the
song I am listening to right now, love is often clearer when we are
able to look behind, meaning that, when we experience one, we often
don’t realize how it actually looks like. However, when we lose it,
we can then see it better. Yeah, love often takes suffering, takes
tears, and takes so many lonely nights for us to see it clearer. Here
I am today, suffering and lonely… looking at the love I’ve ever
fought for, the love that I know that has been even more difficult
for me to grasp as the time goes by…
Keh…
if only her voice wasn’t able to bring happiness to this heart of
mine, I would just let go of this love… but I just can’t…
