Blue Ballad

Several days from today, I will face my exams. There are quite a numbers of them. Usually, I would ponder for some moment to plan my time. Then, I would start with enough preparation that I could put myself at ease during the hellish exam time. However, this time, I just feel that I really could care less. I don’t know, I mean… I don’t think I have enough preparations, I don’t think I master the materials quite well, and I don’t think I have spared sufficient time for ‘em. Still, there is no such thing as panic, worry, or anxiety takes place in this heart of mine. I can’t understand this, but I am at ease right now. It is so peaceful to know that such feeling can occur.

Well, there are so many things that turn out different. This year might be the very first time in my life to get this excited about Christmas… what? Haven’t I told you guys about this? Sorry, sorry… see? I am THAT excited that I forgot to mention some things before hand. Uhm… let’s see, this year, somehow, I suddenly got very eager about Christmas. I mean, yes I have ever celebrated Christmas before… countless time, but I have never been this keyed up. Explanation? You’ll have it. Now, this all fuss started when I got a package from some distant land out there. There were Clay Aiken’s CD and some key chains inside. Then, this Clay Aiken’s CD is a Christmas Album meaning that it contains Christmas songs inside. So, I copied the songs to my PC and end up listening to those songs everyday. So, there is this song called ‘Merry Christmas with Love.’ I love to listen to this song, somehow peaceful and soothing. From this alone, there is a conclusion that we can pull together, which is: Christmas + Love = BLISS!!!

This very moment, I could just think less of this world… of this life. I just don’t care about whatever may take place. I am contented. There’s no way someone could take my contentment away from me. There are quite a number of tasks waiting for me at the end of this year, still… I just don’t want to think of ‘em. All I want to do is just sitting in front of my PC, writing some random stuff and listening to the Christmas songs altogether.

Nah… don’t ask! Even I myself don’t really understand what I am currently doing. Things are just… what? I don’t know. I mean, do you know how it really feels when someone is unthinkably happy and his happiness just go bursting everywhere like an eruption? Yup, that’s what we have here.

So… in short, just leave this one be. There will be no use for you folks to spend your time too much on this one. This is just me going purposeless again. But, you know what? It’s nice to be in such situation, in situation which you can really care less about whatever occurs in this world. What a peaceful life. I know that reality is waiting impatiently for me somewhere, still… for time being, let me dream this stupid dream. In the end, I want to quote something from Inra, “Thanks God! I Love my life!” Thanks for reading this one, even though it’s purposeless… God bless ya… prepare yourselves for a merry Christmas :p   

Decdicated to… who else? The one who sent me this Christmas songs. It’s just… whatever, find your own phrase…

I just reread the manga (comic) series of Yugi-oh and I just finished reading the final episode. It’s… great. I mean, it sure put a very great meaning for a separation. Heh, so we’re back to one of my most favourite topics, eh? Then, let’s start to talk about separation… again…

Some months ago, I finished reading the Yugi-oh series for the first time. Afterward, I wrote an article about separation. However, I wrote ‘em in Indonesian and I thought that it still needed some polishing. Too bad, I forgot to polish it and it went unpolished even ‘til this very moment. It’s not that big deal anyway as I intend to do thing from the very beginning. So, here I am, prattling ’bout some separation stuff again.

Ja… let’s start with the most essential question, in this post at least, what is separation? Just let me repeat this once again, WHAT THE HECK IS SEPARATION? There, if by any way you say you don’t notice this part, I’ll disembowel you for sure. What is separation? What’s so special about it that I got so excited pondering and talking about this stuff? Is there any meaning to it? Can’t answer, eh? Then, let us first go to the next question, have you guys experienced any kinds of separation? Physically or spiritually separated, or else? I bet most of you have and not only once. Yes, it is indeed the fact that we have experienced that we come to forget how painful, how agonizing a separation is. Note this before we go further, separation is painful. When it comes to separation, we feel sad, we cry, we are wounded. Whenever we must let go of someone we love, things can prove cataclysmic. We cry a lot, we feel that it is way too hard to let that person go. Why? Why should we cry whenever there is separation? I really believe one of the answers to this is that we feel we haven’t loved that person sufficiently. Why is it so? It’s simply because when people are around, we don’t realize how precious they are. I wanna share a bit. Long ago, when I was still in junior high school, I had a friend who died at around 22 or 23. One of his best friends told me that one of the thing he ever regret was the fact that he hadn’t got the chance to tell his dead friend, how he really loved his dead friend. Painful? You bet…

If we were given the power to turn back time, then, maybe, expression such as “too late” would never exist. Yes, we have this expression ‘cos we love procrastination that much that we are always late to realize thing and when we have come to realize ‘em, there is nothing left for us to do and there is no possibility for us to turn back time. We think that everything will just go all rite, then we keep on deferring all kind of love and kindness that we can share to the people we love. While we are doing so, time is running hastily ahead, still, before our eyes, time is only walking slowly, waiting for us to catch him. How come? It’s simply because we are blinded, blinded by all the comfort that is available for us this whole long. We always think it’s all rite to sacrifice your friends once or twice. Well, what’s the big deal? There are a lot of tomorrows ahead for us to offer them kindness to redeem for what we have done. Now, give me a proper answer; what can you do if God suddenly takes those people from you? What can you say if God putt those people in a place thousand miles far from you? Would you just end up regretting everything? Or maybe you would cry a dang loud? Or maybe, you can just walk a thousand mile just as in Vanessa Carlton’s song.

Let us try to be wise. We, who tend to please ourselves… let us put our ego aside for a while… We, who have been thinking of being loved as bliss… let us dump our selfishness somewhere for a moment. What will we find? We will find the fact that loving is far more pleasing than just merely being loved. Is that so? Yes! Out of all people you have seen in this world, who are probably the happiest? The rich people? No way! If riches are the only things you have, you can only live in fear. The successful people? Hah! You won’t bet on this one. Just to remind how stressful the life of an artist is. So? Who are the happiest people in this world? Some of them might be Mother Teressa. One who loved people without holding back anything. There was no fear that could overcome her heart. She was just ready to die if that would mean something for others. The others might be all the parents in this world who love their children sincerely. Worries and anxieties may occupy their heart, but just to see their children happy, those worries and anxieties will be cast away. In short, those who love will live in bliss. Don’t worry about being unloved. God loves you, you know? Just try to love more people as God’s steadfast love takes root in your heart every single new day. Now, take a silence for a moment, then take a look around. There are a lot of people for you to love. Do you really want to live happily? Then start with loving others!

Separation, thing that won’t be separated from our lives, this whole time is often accompanied by tears. For once again, separation has reminded us how precious people around us are. The family, the friends that we have now, it is not impossible for us to lose ‘em one day. If that so, instead of accompanying separation with tears, why don’t accompany one with smile? That will be better… maybe… how to do so? Well, each of us knows it better :p

Now, let’s go back to our very first question! What is separation? Is there any meaning to it? Our friends, our family, who have been along with us, suddenly disappear… what does that mean? I dunno… man, I really don’t know! But, you know what? If we really don’t know, then there is no use for us to understand such. What we need to do is engraving all the memories that we have been through with all of our dearest people together… in our hearts. That alone is enough.

Finally, this life is about each man’s story. Each man has their own story and by living according to God’s will alone, their story will end up in the brightest light ever. That’s why, no matter how many separations that take place in your life, no matter how sad and painful this life is, keep walking and pursue the light! GBU!

To live is to fight. Life itself is a very large battlefield in which we fight without certain limit of time. We just never know when the battle will end. Often we experience grief in the battlefield, often we obtain painful memories, and often we lose something dear. Yet, we keep on going. We never run from this battlefield. If there is a question worthy enough to raise, it will be, “Why?” We often wonder why we keep on fighting even though we know we will reap sadness. Some people fight for their country; some others fight for their religion, some fight for their family, some fight for their friends or lovers, some others fight for themselves, and the rest fight to find a reason to fight. That’s just how life is; a place for us to fight to our extend, and that’s the way we can fulfill the meaning to our lives, or at least to give meaning to our lives.

There is a fight I am currently in. So long ago, I already had the feeling that I would definitely lose this one and that’s why, I decided to give this one up. Since the day I gave up, I felt… ieehh… somehow pathetic, stupid, miserable, and dumb. To be honest, I regret that decision. Drowned in sadness, I made up my mind. And here am I, back on the track. Fear still overcomes me; anxiety still enfolds me, but still… I want to end this with valour, no matter what the result is. I have come to understand that losing is not the matter of not obtaining your idealism in the end, nor it is about not having what you really want to have. In fact, losing is giving up when you have the opportunity to try and end it bravely; to sink in dissatisfaction when you have actually brought happiness through your effort. Then, what’s the meaning of winning? Well, to make it short, winning is not merely acquiring what you want, not even the matter of achieving your idealism. Winning has far greater meaning, it is about doing your best until the very end, and even more, winning is when your lives have been a great happiness for others. That’s why, this time, I won’t lose! Whatever may happen, I have decided not to lose this one…

Life is indeed troublesome. The very moment you realize that living this life is hell difficult, you will realize another thing that living this life alone will never be enough for you. There is always someone out there for you to cherish and when you’ve found that someone, that someone will be your happiness. In the end, satisfaction, happiness, bliss, joy, delight, and such are really one when you have someone to share with. That will probably be your grandest fight, and still… there is no way you will lose this fight, won’t you? ‘Cos there lays the meaning to your life and its fulfillment…

- life is not about you alone, it’s about you bringing happiness for others-

“Love, why is it clearer when we look behind?’

“Memory, what is it? A constraint to bind us in our past, or strength to spur us toward future?”

These might be the most important issues you can encounter in ‘Perhaps Love’, a movie directed by Peter Ho. This movie is somehow unique. Well, I can’t really tell you what is this story about as the plot is just way too complicated. However, the thing is, the plot is beautiful, yet is sad. It moves at such pace that people will usually get bored of it, without even mentioning that the plot needs quite a brain to digest with. Still, if you try to cope with it, beauty awaits you behind. The strong emotion when one is missing his lover, the deep image of solitude, just can’t be expressed with mere words.

This is my suggestion: Get this movie as soon as possible! If you think you know a lot ‘bout love, you’ll learn even more. If you feel you have seen too many beauties in this world, you’ll add another into your mental storage. That’s it. Don’t wanna mess too long for this post. I’ll dry up now. Happy watching then…

Huff… what an incredibly tiring life… yet, my struggle is still waaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyy too distant to reach the end. Without some people’s help, I might not think of trying. I have done quite a lot yet I know that there are still an insanely numbers that I have to deal with. Haaaa… can someone wake me up from this somehow terrible outlandish nightmare? Nah… no one; ‘cos it isn’t even a dream. Heh… if it was possible, I really wanted to run away from this grievous reality, but there’s no way I’m gonna do it as I’m not the type to lick my own words. Well, that’s it. Let’s just live it as it’s the best option on hand.

Now, this one is really a purposeless post. I mean, there’s really nothing egging on me to inscribe this whole stuff. I just am in the mood for it. So, get ready for the most random prattle you have ever encountered. Hope you can get away with this.

Iiiieehhh… I often get tired of life, that I have told you, rite? Now, there are several things I usually do when I just feel that things have been too rigid. The most pleasing might be listening to my unthinkably huge collection of songs. If you guys have taken a good look at my profile, you guys must have noticed that I am a Japanese songs freak, and yes… I am… I somehow feel a bit awkward, I mean, what’s the point in being prideful when I am admitting being a freak? Oh, whateve… okay, let’s return to our main issue here. Uhm… I do admit that DEEN is the most appealing to my appetite, still then, it doesn’t really denote DEEN songs’ are always priority. It depends absolutely on my mood, and yes! This is my labile and inconstant mood I am talking about. Oh, let’s just roll ‘em one by one.

Now, there are several performers that I am crazy about. Those are DEEN, Kuraki Mai, Suzuki Tatsuhisa, CooRie, Depapepe, and UVERworld.

DEEN works unsurpassed whenever it comes to the matter of forlorn situation. Forlorn here means when I feel like crying, when I think that I have enough of this world (and while I have actually not), when I think that burdens have been too intense for me, and when I consider that there’s nothing more I can do to fix things up. There is where DEEN comes in neat. Kimi ga Inai Natsu, Yume de Aru You ni, Sayonara, Shonen, Teenage Dream, and One Day are the songs that often occupy my ears. 

Sugi… Kuraki Mai, eto… actually she’s the very first to blame when it comes to the matter of my being this kind of freak. Well, it’s simply ‘cos the very first time I fell for Japanese songs was when I first listened to her songs. Some people have their versions of utahime out there, but as for me, she’s mine. Then, her songs work paramount when it comes to the matter of recollecting the memories I used to have in the past. Yup, that’s just it! Some of her most amazing things are Key to My Heart, Can’t Forget Your Love, Kaze no Rarara, Secret of My Heart, Always, and Fantasy. Hieehhhh… should we continue?

Uhm… Suzuki Tatsuhisa… now this one is breathtaking. His songs work almost in very situation. Those sweet melodious songs are really heartrending. Every time I listen to those, it seems like they can engrave somewhat relieve and serenity in my agonizing heart. Some songs that you really can’t miss are To Friends, Towayuki, Voice, Caravan, and Yesterdays. Next!

CooRie! What a… man, this one is even harder to explain. The very first thing that I should tell you is that you won’t believe how old she is when you listen to her songs. Most of her songs are easy to listen to. They work wonder when I am in a good mood, when I am quite relaxed, or when I am doing some pastimes. Make sure you listen to Kokoro Ami, Sentimental, Tenkuu no Hana, Nagareboshi, Parade, and Akatsuki no Sakushi. Phew… only two more to go, let’s keep on rolling!

Depapepe. I should first notify you that these people don’t sing. I repeat it once again, they don’t sing. So? What do they do then? Playing instrumental songs, you idiot. So, Depapepe consists of two people, two guitarists to be exact. They play a lot of sweet songs, songs so sweet that you find them pleasing if you listen to them when you want to… take a nap… yeah, they are the best, the perfect companion for your good, nice rest. Believe me! Some of their best are Shupurru, Hoshi no Kazu Dake Negai Todoku, Yuuyake Cycling, Arigatou, START!, and Snow Dance. Huff… finally, we will come to the last one.

The last, but not the least, UVERworld! Well, they are rockers, meaning that they play some boisterous music there. Well… you should be able to figure out what kind of situation will they come in handy… yup! Well said… WHENEVER I WANNA GO CRAZY, WILD, MAD… and so on, and so on… so make sure you have Just Melody, CHANCE!, SHAMROCK, Revolve, SORA, and Ai ta Kokoro in your playlist. They deserve a place.

Okay, now! After a very long prattle, what do I really want to say anyway? Nothing… uh-huh… nothing… I have told you, haven’t I? This one is pointless, just a random jabber and nothing’s responsible for my writing this stuff. If there really is a point, maybe I just want to express how grateful I am to know that there are so many awe-inspiring songs out there that I am able to walk this screwy long road… okay, okay… should dry up, c ya, c ya…

There are an absurdly lot of complicated things in this world. Now, look! This whole time, I have been thinking of blog as a medium to pour all my ideas, feelings, thoughts, and else into. What do you expect anyway? I mean, it’s an online journal, an online diary we’re talking about. However, the thing is that blog is not a mere conventional diary, no ordinary diary, and that’s the problem… the very problem. Talking ‘bout the usual usual conventional diary, it’s just about God and me. Things might be very different with online diary, though… unlike the private conventional diary, people can trespass freely and go wild while commenting on it… now, that’s the problem I am talking about.

Let’s see… iieehh… I understand clearly how some of you have been hurt ‘cos of my harsh dictions and expressions. To tell you the truth, I never lose my cool in front of people before… almost never, but then, in front of black document, I lose it completely. Really couldn’t get a grip of it. Still, there’s no reason to make an excuse out of this. I am at fault and I should just face this one with courage. I should state this, I don’t have any intention to backstab, hurt, defame, or even crush anyone. It’s just my inability to control this wild instinct of mine and that’s why all my dictions go splashy.

Okay, for time being, I am tired of rattling on too much. In short, the things I want to do here are:

1. I wanna say sorry to all those hearts wounded by the splash. Once again, it’s not my intention to do so. Still, I end up doing so. Well, you may find some things are difficult to forgive… but it’s okay. I know myself how hard it is to do so. It takes time… and if you do need one… the time is yours.
2. Don’t say! I am imperfect and I realize it clearly that weaknesses and flaws haven’t abandoned this fragile self of mine. I am not yet satisfied with both my current state and ability. I am aiming to be better and I do struggle for it. I won’t take my imperfect being as an excuse though… but, still, I plead you to take this into your account.
3. I wanna deliver some thanks to those who have been commenting on my posts. I thank you for being attentive, for being responsive, for reminding me to stay cool. I hope you can do further, though… I need you guys to warn me, to limit me, to remind me, to correct me…
4. I also drop a thank on Inra’s mailbox for his wonderful input and suggestion. When I was just a mere chibi, he used to to share a lot of amazing thoughts and up to today, he still deserves my respect, even a dang numbers of ‘em… thanks, bro!
5. I am a man of pride. Being humble doesn’t always mean to dump my pride elsewhere. I might have made a mistake, still… I believe what I have written doesn’t go wrong; it’s the way I express them that has gone wrong. To wrap this up, please digest my posts fresh-minded, and if, I really do wrong regarding the content, leave me a comment.

Yup! That’s it. Hope you can accept this… huff… now, let’s go back to my old favourite slogan: life is indeed difficult.