Blue Ballad

I am currently listening to soundtracks of a game called Tales of Legendia. These songs are really beauty epithet. The way they soothe my heart makes me dream. I dream of very beautiful scenery, a field where my close friend and I were playing on it. We played a lot, until sunset greeted us. That very moment, we were lost in silence as we gazed at the sun. No words were spoken, yet we knew that we were grateful for each other’s existence. I dream of it, I dream of it so often that I cry in grief realizing that a dream is best dreamt of. Reality is indeed cruel…

Lilieanne –a very great friend of mine-, SoSu –my old partner in prayer-, Paul –one of the craziest friends I might have-, Yosia –a melancholic yet friendly one-, Kevin –still a great partner of mine-, Melody –someone who is very dear to me-, Vivien –a nice friend to chat-, Hendra –a friend that often goes angry, still he is a nice friend-, Charles –we often make a joke out of him, but we love his existence among us-, Syur –she always says that I only remember of her whenever there is no one left :p-, Cincin –a very funny friend that I love to tease-, Fendy –we shared a lot back then, didn’t we?-, Kos –say, he’s my brother and he’s awesome-, Sofany –she used to say I am cool, only in her dream, though ^_^-, Willy –another brother of mine, another awesome goes to him-, MonCha –a friend I talked with a lot that she’s fed up :p-, Jane –a small sister that I care a lot-, Shierly Timun –wonder if she still remembers ‘bout me-, Joshua –glad that I met him, really glad…-, and other dang lot of friends (sorry, can’t really list all of you guys though, memories getting blurry lately), I miss ‘em all. I really long for a moment, a moment where all of us can meet each other once again, sharing about what we have been through this whole time, bursting into laughter as we play jokes, drowned in tears of happiness… wonder if there’s really such moment…

I used to think that night and solitude might be my best companion. I was wrong… solitude is actually painful and night is dreadful… after going through a lot, I end up missing my all my close friends. I miss the moment when Paul and I were sitting on his bike, waiting for bulletins to be copied. Miss the moment when some of my friends and I sang together in the evening, being grateful of the fellowship we had back then. Miss the moment when we went to Mall together, shocked at the amount of food we had to finish when we ate at Gang Kelinci. Miss the moment when we joined Lao Shi Jo’s class; it was tiring, yet beautiful. Miss the moment when we went to Vivien’s house together, watching Ju On and eating spaghetti prepared by Vivien. Miss the moment when I first ate soto ayam at Asjo Hadi. Miss all the retreats that we had. Miss all other moments that we used to experience and share together.

Huufff… this life is indeed difficult. To deal with life itself, to deal with other people, to deal with your own feeling… not a simple matter if I should say. I have spent 22 years and 6 days living this wearisome life. I have grown tired of it already. Death seems to be a tempting option for me, but I just realize that I haven’t finished my portion; there are still a heck lot of tasks that I should accomplish. I don’t know for how long I will live, I just know that there is still an insanely long way ahead, longer than the on I’ve walked. Still, no matter what it takes, I’ll live this life with a faith, even if only a little, that one day, my dream will come true… 

And we’ll sing the song together now that I used to sing alone

We’ll cross the bridge together now that I used to cross alone

We’ll listen to the singing birds that I used to hear alone

We’ll sing as we climb the hill that I used to climb alone

A fraction of the song I am listening right now, hope if someday I’ll be able to sing it together with my friends… all my friends…  

It was my birthday several days ago. Quite a weird one I should say… and quite a peaceful one. If you wanna know how it went, then simplicity will be your best description for that one. Out of a dang lot of friends I have, only a few people greeted me with birthday wish, and to me, it wasn’t disappointment, though… rather it’s a good thing. Well, at least from this alone, I come to know people who really keep me cherished as friend (not all of ‘em, though… should exclude some). Moreover, the less people greet you on your birthday, the more you will be grateful for every birthday wish that goes to you.

Now, lemme tell ya ‘bout what I did during my birthday. Hmm… frankly speaking, I wasted my time on napping and watching dorama. Quite a pity, eh? Couldn’t really help it, I mean, the previous day, I just went home from a heck tiring retreat. After bashing my brain and body here and there, I just felt that I needed a good rest for both of ‘em. So, there I went, napping to refresh my body and watching dorama to get my brain out of faulty system called stress. Still, I managed to spare some time to have a little bit flashback stuff. This year, my birthday was both somehow special and not, compared to all my previous birthdays. Yeah, what do you expect? I never had a birthday that quiet before. Nothing special happened during my birthday, but the absence of something special itself was special. I mean… arrghh… never mind! If you can’t figure this out, just skip this part.

Then, what else? Iiiehh… should I list all the people that wished me a happy birthday? … no way, you guys are just kiddin’, rite? Now, there’s no way I will list all of ‘em, but still, I can list a few. There were some people that I actually expected them to greet me one, but they failed my expectation. A bad premonition? Nope, a good one in fact. At least, their failing my expectation gave me a hell lot of courage to really cast ‘em away from this heart of mine. Thank you guys for this one, I mean, this isn’t a kind of cynical attitude or stuff, but… ieehh… I am really grateful meaning that, uhh… you know; it would be very painful to keep you guys forever. I’m just glad that I have found a very exact time to let go of you guys. No, no, no… don’t have any resentment inside. Am feeling very happy knowing you guys, but still, over is over. Then, there were these people that I REALLY didn’t expect for, still they wished me one. Where’s Steven and Wenny? A very special thank should go to these siblings, though… why? ‘Cos I even didn’t know that they know when my birthday is. Last group should go to those who really fulfilled my expectation. Nothing special ‘bout this group of people, though…

Well, there might be nothing special happen ‘bout my birthday this year. Just passed it like I passed my normal daily life. However, I pondered a lot about life, to be exact, ‘bout friendship. Throughout my life, I have met quite a number of wonderful friends and I have encountered even more these days. To be honest, my birthday is getting less and less important; it doesn’t serve any special purpose for me anymore. I mean, I can evaluate myself everyday, anytime and I can plan ‘bout my life whenever I want. The thing is, life is not ‘bout how I celebrate my birthday or how I make my birthday special, but my life is about how I please God and how I cherish all my dear friends. Now, that’s quality we’re talking about here.

Okay, can we just go to the conclusion already? Hope so. To wrap things up, I am grateful to those people who wished me a happy birthday and to those who didn’t. I am even more grateful that I have God who has planned my life well that I met some wonderful friends that have coloured my life bright. I don’t care if less people take my birthday into their account, it’s not that important anymore. Cherishing those who are dear to me is the priority. To all my dear friends, thank you a million! No, thank you a billion! It might never be enough, though… (yeah, ‘cos what you really want isn’t a thank, but a plate of soto, nasi padang, dim sum, and stuff, rite? ^_^). Love you guys a lot, a DANG LOT! And just as what Vania said yesterday, may all of us be bound in and for eternity! God bless us!

I love you…

Wonderful people,

Wonderful family,

Wonderful brothers and sisters

Thank you…

For wonderful memories

That’s why, all of you,

Thank you

HUWOOOOO…!!!
Just got back home from a retreat… and iiehh… it was both
sickening and great! Quite a contradiction, eh? Now, it’s me we’re
talking about anyway… so this retreat started with quite a mess,
but it wasn’t that big mess, easily settled. However, things had been
very great even since the very first night. A lot of people committed
their sins and they wanted to repent from those. The preacher prayed
for them one by one and tears were everywhere. Man, they did cry a
lot… but it was a very heartrending moment. Glad for that night.
The next night, again, many people raised their hands before God
promising that they would renew their spiritual life. Man, what a
retreat… even though I was at extreme fatigue back then, I was paid
well with such great moments…

HOWEVER!
There were several things that I regret a lot… a dang lot
actually… some people couldn’t really cooperate with us that some
of the activities were delayed… and to regret it more, those people
were included in steering committee, the committee itself, and
activists. Quite a shame I suppose… they didn’t set a good example
for the participants to follow, they didn’t show that they were the
right role model to lead a fellowship… some of those said that they
were sick, etc, etc and therefore they wanted to skip a session,
couldn’t do this and that… but how come could they chat with each
other ’til 2 a.m? It was obviously illogical, to me at least…

Now,
despite of the things I regret, the retreat was okay… our main goal
was accomplished and some people should really reward themselves with
a good refreshing rest. Now, this time I wanna’ say ‘thanks’ to
some people, those people will be:

1. Andi,
   Andi Gotib, and Vania. Thanks for all the time you guys dedicated
   for us to practice together. The music was GREAT back then… all of
   the time that we spared together didn’t go wasted. Next time, hope
   that we will once again reach people’s hearts by the mean of our
   teamwork, agree? Agreed!

2. Dede
   for praying a lot during some sessions back then. Thanks a lot,
   knowing that you were praying for us really gave me courage.

3. Andri,
   the leader of this committee for enduring so much hardship, for
   helping me with several things, for being cooperative. Great job,
   great result. You deserve a praise…

4. Koo
   Tjie Liang and Yuyun for being nice friends to share my thought
   with. I don’t plan for any organization next year, though… sorry
   to disappoint you guys, but I already decide my way… well… we
   may still see next year, though…

5. Someone,
   somewhere, who had prayed for me during those tiring and difficult
   time. There’s no greater consolation back then other than knowing
   that this someone prayed for me…

6. God,
   for allowing me to serve Him, for giving me strength to serve Him,
   for enveloping me with courage when fear and exhaustion overcame me
   back then… my greatest source of courage,  the center of my joy,
   and a place where I find my peace. Thanks, God!

To
summarize this one, I am grateful! There’s still a heck lot of
hardship waiting ahead, but still, in everything you do, let all
glory be for God and God alone! 

Talking ‘bout relationship, whatever kind of relationship it is, I think there are several things that should be noted.

1. First, we should try to trust each other. Being not able to trust others, you would never feel comfortable in a community; you would even feel restless almost every time, how come? It’s simply because you can’t trust your surroundings.

2. Here goes the second one, prepare to jot this down, guys! SYMPHATY and EMPHATY! They are in capital; don’t ever say you don’t notice this one. Please know that humans may look strong from the outside, but they may be very delicate inside. That’s why, please, respect people when they are talking; try to appreciate other people’s idea. If this criterion alone you can’t fulfill, I don’t really think you deserve being human.

3. It’s up to you ‘bout whatever decision you want to make. You may act selfish, indifferent, deceitful, or else. I don’t really care, but please, be responsible for it. If you don’t do so, you really are one sore loser and I HATE this kind of people a hell lot. They are a heck lot of people out there who tend to make decision in a rush, but when they realize that their decision to act so has gone wrong, they know how to apologize. Yeah, unlike some people who really act big, but when something happen, they can’t even open their mouth just to say sorry. The mouth of a loser I suppose.

Yup, I only list three points. Now, why did I post this kind of stuff? Well, I just got stuck again in very depressing situation. Should I tell you guys ‘bout this? I think so. Let’s begin then. Last Wednesday on 5^th of October, I was asked to be an MC in a youth fellowship at my church on 14^th October, which simply means a day before I typed this thing down. I agreed to it despite of my hellish schedule. Of course, I should prepare some songs and decided to practice twice. The second was on 14^th also, just before the fellowship started. Tell me now, if you are asked to lead a fellowship, do you really like to be bothered during your preparation? I bet for ‘no.’ Yes, I was doing my preparation before the fellowship started and here came this bossy person out of nowhere sending me SMS to do this and that. “Bring the mat with you, bring this and that… ask for this and that… do this and that…” Honestly, if I were not a Christian, I would simply ask her to do all those stupid errands herself. Man, there were a heck lot of people other than me that could be asked back then, and out of all people, why it should be me? Some people in this world are indeed idiot, eh?  Okay, let’s go on. The worse thing was that, this bossy person has several subordinates, but she didn’t send even one person to come early to make sure things. Whenever you have a party, it’s absurdly common for you to send people or come yourself to make sure things are prepared, right? It doesn’t take a genius to think so. Man… Some people in this world really have a hole in their brain that they can’t think well. And out of all kinds of people that you can find in this world, there’ this person with problem to think well being a leader of a committee. If you ever heard about leading people to walk to a pit, this kind of situation really depicts one. The fellowship? The fellowship was late, the sound system was not well prepared, etc, etc. Thanks to our great leader. Then, after a long messy day, was I disappointed back then? No way… how come? … I WAS FURIOUS for God’s sake! This bossy person came late yesterday and she didn’t even say sorry for being late! She just felt fine with her lateness and even gave a smile on paper when she left us a message on a piece of paper to tell in advance that she would be late, “Aku bakal telat ” Heck! What the…? The very characteristic of Indonesian people. They never really feel guilty whenever they are late. Yeah, that’s why this country is turning into a garbage bin with a hell lot of jerk inside.

Now, for whoever feeling responsible for this (yeah, this time, there should really be someone responsible for this whole lot mess!), don’t say that I didn’t take your feeling into account when I was typing this one, I did so! But hell, if I didn’t type so, I would definitely doubt your repentance, remorse, or whatever. You and your bossy attitude, do you really think they are acceptable? Hell no! Think of those people you have been ordering around up to today! Out of those people, find out how many people got annoyed because of your attitude? Out of those people, find out how many people feel that they go disrespected? After you’ve figured ‘em out, try to find a mirror, not a physical one though, and ask yourself if you have been doing something pleasing to God or else. Lemme remind you, Bible says that, “Each thing that you have done for others, you have done it for Me.” Know this at least, dress yourself with better attitudes. Try to be empathetic with others’ feeling. You may be trusted to be a leader of an organization, but it doesn’t mean you can act big, doesn’t really mean you can be that bossy and arrogant, doesn’t really mean you are better or smarter than others, doesn’t mean that you are always right, doesn’t really mean that the people you trust are always right while others are not, and doesn’t mean you can put blame on others That’s all. And you know what? Don’t ever think of talking to me about ‘coordination and uniting minds’ when you have this kind of mess among your subordinates. That will just go bullshit. One last thing, if I ever see you lead this fellowship to the wrong way, I’ll takeover things. Clear? Yes!

Note: for people out there, being a leader doesn’t make you great. It indeed puts you on a higher position. For what purpose? Note this one, so that you can see things better and UNDERSTAND your subordinates better. Stop being a jerk and start to be humble, you don’t do this then you fit the very definition of jerk.

I
couldn’t be any happier than now. Throughout my life, I have thrown
away a lot of stuff to carry on living. I have thrown away a year
during my study in UI (Indonesian University); I have thrown my
comfort by going to a city I haven’t known before; I have thrown
away all the joy that I might keep on feeling if I only had chosen to
stay in Jakarta instead; I have also thrown away the opportunity to
live an easier life by not taking IT or stuff such as that as my
major, and above all, I have thrown away my ego which had been the
only way for me to define myself. Some people may think I may regret
this, some other may think that I have chosen a very foolish
decision. However, I really have no regret. They are all worthy for
what I currently possess right now.

I
have been thinking ‘bout life and there’s really no feeling other
than gratitude that can express what I am feeling right now. I am
grateful that I chose to go to this city back then resulting in my
meeting with quite a numbers of wonderful friends. Think I should say
thanks to some of my friends here and that will include Dede. Thanks
for being willing to support my ministry. The next thanks should go
to Vania for being a very nice friend to chat with. You are really
something, buddy! You are a bit crazy, though, but that might be what
I like about you ^_^ Then, Yason for being a very insane friend of
mine. This Yason is actually heck too unpredictable. The quality of
everything that he lets out of his mouth really depends on his mood.
That’s Yason anyway. After that, I also want to thank a friend who
has gone to Jakarta for being a very great companion back then when
she was still in this city. Thanks a dang lot, you guys have been
quite invaluable friends for me.

I am also grateful that I keep on grasping my idealism. Being able to
do so, this very moment, God has given me the chance to cherish the
person I love the most. Yes, indeed I can’t do everything for her.
However, this oath I should take; as long as I am alive, the very
least thing I can do for her, I will do. Sound like bullshit? Yup, it
sounds so to me as well. However, note this, guys! If you can’t
take an oath for the sake of the one you love the most, then, for
whom else you can do so? For yourself? Nah, it’s just sick! Ah,
whatever! I don’t care ‘bout your business anyway :p

Now, what I am really trying to say is that, never throw away your
idealism! You may look foolish that way. Bringing this idealism alone
may never be able to guarantee you that you will survive this harsh
life. Yup, but can a realistic view be able to? Nope either. So?
What’s the big deal? If you can’t have any guarantee either way,
why bother with just a plain standard realistic life? I say, grab
that idealistic life and be happy with your decision. Up to this day,
there’s no bit of regret or remorse that occupies my heart. There’s
just this overflowing feeling of gratitude that floods my heart with
happiness every each new day. Wonderful? Indeed! Too bad I can’t
describe how it tastes, you guys won’t understand anyway. The only
way for you guys to understand it is to experience it yourself. So,
just bugger off and throw yourself to your journey of life!

        Yup,
this is it, the end to another of my purposeless writing. Huff… if
I ponder a bit, I might look very foolish right now. I used to think
that to think logically is the best way to achieve happiness, but I
was wrong. Sometimes, there’s joy that you can have only by leading
a foolish life. Maybe it is right when some people say, “Out of all
people that you may encounter in this world, the most foolish one
might be the wisest one.” Hah! There have just been a heck lot of
contradictions these days. But, who cares? As long as the happiness
rules! Aa… should stop here. Well, gotta take my leave. C ya around
guys! GBU!