Blue Ballad

 Keh… I suddenly get blue all over… and I don’t like this… I mean, yes, indeed I have ballad_in_blue@yahoo.com for my email and my FS account; I also have Blue Ballad for my nickname all over the net; I even love mellow songs and stories, but still… I hate it to my very single drop of blood when it comes to the matter of becoming blue…

 I dunno… have you guys lost someone important to you guys? I don’t really mean a loss or death; it could be something like… separation? I mean, couldn’t meet with your beloved one or having a fight with your beloved one or somehow your beloved one forsakes you or you upset ‘em, etc, etc… have you? Well, I have… a lot actually… since I was very small, I have experienced a lot like that and when I grew bigger, I experienced even more… and these days… God seems quite excited to see what I would do if He gave another one… GIMME a BREAK! I mean… howdy! I have been separated from a lot of my dear friends and some people that I hold dear very much and I just kept on telling myself, “Just give ‘em a shoulder, there’s a time to let go of things anyway…” But, man, I think this is too much!

 Yesterday, I had this feeling that I would lose someone else… due to the pressure that I felt, I went to the internet shop and wasted my time there… trying to distract my thought by chatting with a lot of my friends on the net… but things just went on worse. Yeah, cos’ the site I wanted to access wasn’t available, I also brought the wrong set of songs with me in my flashdisk and I ended up listening to one of DEEN’s songs, Aitai. It means ‘Want to Meet.’ Gosh, what a perfect situation! On my way home, rain suddenly started to fall… and even heavier… and it fell just to its most violent extent. Heh… I somehow got this feeling that the violent rain was beating my weak heart, driving it to an extreme pain… and beat me into some conscious that I’m still a mere human; weak, limited and is a fool at the very end. All the effort that I’ve done, that I’ve put… are now in vain… yeah, no matter how much effort that I put, it’s still God who decides everything… sometimes this kind of thought is stressing. No, it’s not that I am disobedience toward God, but… this thing isn’t funny at all, I’ve put a great lot of effort and it just vanished like vapour in the air…

 I have enough… I’m sick of this… maybe it’s better for me to meet God rite away. I mean… it’s much nicer to live happily ever after in Heaven rather than living this stupid life. Don’t you think so? What’s the good point in living a life where you can’t cherish anyone? Now, don’t console with stuff like “Don’t be that upset, there’s still some people for you to cherish.” Say that kind of stuff and I’m gonna beat some bull out of your shit, got it? Heh… what a sick boy I am. After all those nice words that I’ve said, I end up couldn’t do the very least thing to realize ‘em all. I think, that’s the very definition of bullshit, heh… life is really incomprehensibly difficult…

 Humans are certainly delicate being. They often get upset and angry over trivial things. However, they often don’t realize that their delicacy can actually break a lot of other delicate humans around them. Now, now… my life must still go on… let’s forget about this stupid stuff. Just pretend that you I didn’t write this and you guys didn’t read this, kay? Phew… I hope my next post won’t be this miserable…    

It’s quite often that we are confused about what kind of life that we should live; that God wants us to live for; that would be pleasing for God. Now, I think we should learn from Oceile Poage’s experience. Who’s that? We’ll see!

A few years ago, I don’t know exactly when, a woman named Oceile Poage died from cancer. Starting in March, Oceile felt a great pain her stomach which was incurable. After two or three weeks, she went to see the doctor and underwent a lot of check-up and she ended not knowing what the disease was. A few months later, it was at last been known, some kind of stomach cancer (I don’t know for exact how to say this in English)! And the prognosis was death! The probability of being alive? Only 10%! A doctor said that, from 50 patients who suffered from this disease, only two survived. If Oceile was lucky, she might live for another four months. Some doctors said that, they could do chemotherapy on her, but it would be very painful and it probably wouldn’t cure the cancer. Oceile then chose to undergo the therapy, despite the pain that she might experience. She lived for a few months, long enough to experience Christmas and New Year. A few weeks after New Year, her family and she went to Baltimore to visit her friend, a 99 year old woman. Oceile brought some food, cooked, and had a chat with the old woman. Oceile decided to do so as before her death, she wanted to make sure that the old lady had really known Jesus. This was Oceile’s last expression of love. After that, Oceile went home and a few hours after her arrival at home, she died. Guys, I think it should be clear for us, knowing God’s will in our life, doesn’t mean that we should have a predictable life in front of us, it’s about our attitude in living our life, day by day, step, by step, whether it is pleasing God or not. Oceile didn’t know when she would die, what she knew was that in her everyday, she should serve Gos and she succeeded in doing so.

I have been thinking that my life, is like a cluster of decisions and I am grateful that I’ve taken all of those decisions. Back then, when my friend first asked me to go to church with him, I didn’t know how my life would develop if I accepted or refused his offer. When I was going to Methodist Senior Highschool, I didn’t know if it would affect my life this much. Even I didn’t know what would happen to me when I chose to go to Yogya. Still then, I made those decisions… since then, to this limit I know, no matter how unclear my future is, no matter how shady it is, what God wants me to do today, I’ll do. It’s useless to spend hours, days, even months to predict what kind of future God wants you to have, but what we’re doing isn’t pleasing God. In short, it’s the today which matters first, the future comes next. The message is, if you’re uncertain about your future, then do your best for today, as there will be no future without today. That’s all! God bless ya…

-taken from The Road Best Travelled by Ray Pritchard-